Out of the Closet
by Rivka
Summary: Who in the X-men is gay?


This is sort of a (really stupid) response to the endless discussions on racmx   
as to which of the X-men might or might not be gay. All characters are   
Marvel's, and I'm not making any money off of this (who in heck would   
_pay_ for it?), so don't sue me. Rated PG-ish for minor swearing and   
kind of adult content.  
  
Out of the Closet  
  
Bobby Drake kicked through the pile of dirty clothes lying in   
front of his bed, spreading them around with his left foot. A pair of   
bright orange boxers got snagged on his toe, and with a grimace, he   
flipped them across the room. They landed on top of his life-size   
cardboard cut-out of Cher.  
  
"Nope," he sighed. "Not in here." He knelt down and began to   
peer cautiously under his bed. An amused chuckle behind him startled   
Bobby, and he thunked his head on the bottom of the bed frame.  
  
"Ow!" Bobby cried, rubbing the back of his head. He turned to   
glare at Hank, who was standing in the doorway.   
  
"You are still unable to locate this mysterious object?" Hank   
asked. His gaze swept the room, and he shook his head. "If you   
cleaned your room, you might have less difficulty in finding lost   
items."  
  
Bobby snorted. "What are you, my mom?" He stood up and brushed   
off his knees, which had accumulated what appeared to be cracker dust   
of some sort. "It's got be in here somewhere," he muttered. He began   
to walk around the room aimlessly, picking up random objects to look   
under them, and then stopped suddenly in front of the closet door.   
"Ah-ha! I bet it's in here." He pulled the door open and began to   
throw things out behind him.   
  
"What is it that you're attempting to find? And why in the world   
did you first think it would be in my room?" Hank asked as he dodged a   
baseball mitt that flew perilously close to his head.  
  
Bobby shook his head. "The less you know, the better."  
  
"Hmm, let me guess," Hank said. "It is for some nefarious   
purpose, such as a practical joke. You do recall what happened the   
last time you pulled one of your stunts?"  
  
There was a loud whoop of joy from the back of the closet. "I   
found it!" Bobby began to back out of the closet, pulling on something   
that faintly resembled an octopus tentacle. "Oof. It's stuck. Come   
here and help me, Hank old buddy."  
  
"I believe you said that the less I knew, the better," Hank   
replied archly. "Oh, all right, no need to scowl at me in such a   
manner." He walked behind his friend, and reaching both arms around   
Bobby, grabbed onto the object. They both began to tug.   
  
"This material is amazingly strong," Hank grunted. "And   
slippery." The tentacle began to stretch like a rubber band, and they   
both lost hold of it at the same time, and fell backwards.   
  
There was a sudden popping sound and a whoosh of hot air, and two   
people suddenly appeared in the room.   
  
"Ah-ha!" one of them cried, pointing an accusing finger at the   
two men tangled on the floor. "We knew you were gay!"   
  
Bobby rolled off of Hank, and stood, staring at the two   
strangers. "Who the hell are you?"  
  
The female of the pair stepped forward. "I'm Fangirl, and this   
is Fanboy. We've been waiting for a moment like this for a long time:   
conclusive proof that you're gay!"  
  
Bobby's eyes widened. "Wait a minute, I'm not gay. What the   
hell is this?" he sputtered.  
  
Fanboy shook his head. "Oh come on. _Everybody_ knows you're   
gay. You can't keep a relationship going--"  
  
"I've just had bad luck is all," Bobby protested.  
  
"-your lack of self-confidence--"  
  
"Doesn't mean a thing!"  
  
"-and your inability to live up to your potential-"  
  
"I'm a free-spirit!"  
  
"--and don't forget that comment Emma Frost made after inhabiting   
your body. _Interior decorating?_ What else is that supposed to   
mean?"  
  
Bobby stamped his foot in annoyance. "Goddammit, I'm not gay!"  
  
"Oh yeah, you're really going to convince us by having a hissy-  
fit," Fangirl said with a laugh. "We just never knew who your gay   
lover was. Now that we know that it's Beast-"  
  
"I beg your pardon?" Hank said in surprise.  
  
"-we can relax and find something else to nit-pick over in the   
books," she finished with a contented sigh.  
  
"Ah, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but _I_ am most   
assuredly not gay," Hank informed the two visitors. "I am currently   
involved in a heterosexual relationship, which admittedly is in a state   
of limbo, but I have high hopes that it will someday be continued."*  
  
"Hmmph," Fangirl grumbled. "Well, all right, but that doesn't   
let you off the hook," she said, turning back to Bobby.  
  
"Really," he said, holding out his hands in a pleading manner,   
"I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But I'm   
not."  
  
There was a rumbling sound coming from the hallway, and several   
people suddenly burst into the room.   
  
"It's about time," Bobby muttered. "Where were you guys? I   
could really use some back-up here."  
  
Cyclops replied, "Sorry. What's the situation?" He looked   
suspiciously at the two strangers in the room. "Is it a bomb? Aliens?   
Juggernaut? The Brood? Or god help us, the Neo?"  
  
Bobby shook his head. "No, these two people think I'm gay."   
  
There was a stunned silence.   
  
"Well, aren't you?" Cyclops asked in surprise. Jean elbowed him   
hard in the ribs. "Ow! Well, I thought he was," he grumbled   
peevishly.  
  
Prof. X said thoughtfully, "No, I do not believe he is. I am,   
after all, the most powerful telepath on the planet, and I get no sense   
that he is gay."  
  
"Thank YOU!" Bobby shouted in relief. "Stick that in your pipe   
and smoke it," he snapped at the two visitors.   
  
Fangirl made a moue of disappointment. "Okay, if you say so.   
Still, _somebody's_ got to be gay. I just know it."  
  
"It sure as hell ain't me," Wolverine muttered. All eyes turned   
to him. "Well, it ain't," he declared more loudly.  
  
"Hmm," Fanboy said thoughtfully. "What about the aggressive   
attitude toward other men, the blatant macho attitude, the motorcycle,   
the leather jacket?"   
  
"The cigar is an obvious phallic symbol," Fangirl cried   
excitedly.  
  
"That's it, then. Wolverine is definitely a closet homosexual,"   
Fanboy said decidedly.   
  
*SNIKT* "You wanna say that again, bub?"   
  
"Um...no?" Fanboy backed up carefully. "I will never say it   
again, I swear."  
  
Fangirl was walking around the room, looking each person over   
carefully. "What about you?" she said to Gambit. "There's always been   
something a little...femmy about Remy."  
  
He was silent for a moment, and reached into his jacket to pull   
out a cigarette. Lighting it, during which Bobby muttered about people   
smoking in his room, he then drew a long puff and let out a sizeable   
cloud of smoke. He gave a very Gallic shrug. "Gambit admit he's gone   
both ways in de' past-"  
  
"Ah-ha!" Fanboy cried.  
  
"-but Gambit's had eyes for no one but chere," he tilted his head   
towards Rogue, "for years."   
  
Rogue blushed. "Ah do think that is the sweetest thing ah've   
evah heard." She sidled over to him, and gave him a simpering smile.  
  
Fangirl sighed. "Doesn't really count, then. Gambit may be bi,   
but since he's had the hots for Rogue for like forever, he's pretty   
much the same as a hetero." She looked carefully at Rogue. "And she   
might be, but who cares, since she can't touch anyone. Although..."   
she continued thoughtfully.  
  
"Hey, hey, I've got an idea," Fanboy burst in. "What about the   
Professor?"  
  
The Professor blinked in surprise. "What about the Professor?"  
  
Fanboy said uncertainly, "Well, you've been around for a while.   
Maybe, you know, you..." his voice trailed off.  
  
"Young man, I've been with more women than anyone else here, with   
the possible exception of Wolverine." He paused thoughtfully. "Let's   
see, there's Moira, Gabby, Amelia, Lilandra..."  
  
The others turned away from the Xavier, who continued to sit in   
the corner, counting on his fingers.  
  
"I do not understand your concern over who might be a   
homosexual," Colossus asked in a confused tone.   
  
Fanboy turned to him in surprise. "Wait a minute, aren't you   
dead?"  
  
Colossus shrugged. "I got better."  
  
"No, no, no, that's no explanation," Fangirl broke in. "Unless   
you're a clone-"  
  
"or a reanimated corpse--" Fanboy added.  
  
"or a Skrull-"  
  
"or a Phalanx construct-"  
  
"or have been reborn-"  
  
"or have taken over someone else's body-"  
  
"or actually live on an astral plane or another dimension-"  
  
"or been replaced with Spiderman's baby-"  
  
"or you were never actually Colossus to begin with, but were a   
cosmic force masquerading as Colossus!"  
  
Colossus shrugged again. "I just got better."  
  
"Oh, who cares," Fangirl snapped. "Nobody likes him anyway.   
That's why they killed him off."  
  
"Hey!" Colossus said in a hurt tone. Everybody ignored him.  
  
The Professor suddenly spoke up. "Hey, does Mirage count?"  
  
"NO!" they all shouted. He turned back to his corner, muttering   
under his breath.  
  
Fangirl and Fanboy began whispering back and forth to each other.   
A brief argument ensued, in which Fanboy could be heard to declare "I   
_really_ don't think so," and then both turned towards Jean Grey and   
Cyclops.  
  
"What's your story?" Fanboy asked in an accusing tone.  
  
Cyclops looked bewildered. "Um, we're married. So we can't be   
gay."  
  
Fangirl gave him a look that was full of pity. "That doesn't   
mean anything. Haven't you heard all the rumors about Tom Cruise and   
Nicole Kidman? Maybe one of you is covering up for the other."   
  
Jean Grey snorted. "I don't think so. Scott's about as hetero   
as they come. Trust me." She whispered telepathically to Fangirl   
//And about as _boringly_ hetero as they come. He has sex like a   
Danger Room drill. Efficient and on a regular schedule. //  
  
"Hey, I heard that," Scott cried.   
  
Jean patted him on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it, dear. I   
was just joking." She rolled her eyes at Fangirl.  
  
"Well, goddammit, _someone's_ gotta be gay," Fanboy said   
dejectedly.  
  
Beast spoke up: "He is correct. Statistically speaking, one of   
us _should_ be gay." He looked expectantly around the room. Everyone   
shuffled their feet and wouldn't look at anyone else. The silence was   
heavy, broken only by the occasional clearing of a throat or a cough.  
  
Storm suddenly entered the room, her new mohawk-ponytail bouncing   
against her studded leather jacket. Various looks of comprehension   
appeared on the faces of the occupants.   
  
"I was wondering where you were-why are all of you looking at me   
like that?"   
  
The End  
  
----------------------------  
This story is not intended to be anything about humorous fluff, and in   
no way is meant as a derogatory attack on gays. Any flames will get   
ignored. I don't really care who might or might not be gay in the X-  
men, and I don't really have that much invested in the possibility.   
Personally, though, I've always thought there was _something_ going on   
with Storm, especially in regards to her relationship with Yukio. Not   
that there's anything wrong with that :)  
  
And don't ask me what Bobby was trying to pull out of the closet. I   
don't know either. It does read a little kinky, though, doesn't it?  
  
I borrowed a few phrases and comments from some other people's racmx   
discussions, just to give credit where it's due.  
  
Non flaming comments can be sent to: rivka@danger-room.net  
  
* See Neon Hearts, by Susan the Neon Nurse.   
  



End file.
